


No Surprises

by HeartlessFreedom



Category: Marvel, Marvel (Movies), The Avengers (2012)
Genre: FIx It, It just kinda happened, M/M, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-07
Updated: 2012-05-07
Packaged: 2017-11-04 23:28:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/399378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeartlessFreedom/pseuds/HeartlessFreedom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>*Major Spoilers for the Movie* Clint can't do this without Phil. He just can't.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No Surprises

Natasha had been the one to play Clint his first Regina Spektor song. It seemed so odd, as Nat hadn’t seemed to type to worry about music, but nevertheless a Russian-American singing about “Uh-merica” had been enough to make Natasha like her. 

Phil had always been a fan smooth jazz and big band. It’s where they get the idea for Phil to date a “cellist.” Never mind that Clint had always preferred a different type of bow.

Now, though, it seems stupid. Nothing has a meaning anymore. After the battle, after shawarmas, Clint asks why Coulson hasn’t descended on them for a debrief and the entire table just looks at him.

“Phil was killed by Loki in the Helicarrier attack,” say Tony and Clint laughs.

No one else does.

“No really. I know you never got along with him, but really Tony. Stop being a jackass. Where’s Coulson?”

“Hawkeye, Agent Coulson was stabbed in the chest when Loki boarded the helicarrier. He attempted to stop Loki from escaping and didn’t bring back up. Fury found him and the medical team called him on arrival.” And that’s just wrong because that was Captain America and Phil’s been a fan of him since he was a boy and Clint knows it cause he’s seen Phil’s collection. So it’s not okay for this man, who Phil idolizes, to lie about this.

“No, don’t say that. You’re his hero. Don’t you fucking dare continue this joke. It’s not funny. Where is Phil? Nat? Make them stop. Where’s Phil? Is this punishment cause Loki mind whammied me?”

But when Nat looks at him and just nods her head, Clint finally gets it. In his attempt to get out of the chair and run,  _god anywhere but here_ , he falls on the floor and can’t even pull himself up before he starts dry retching, tears falling and a panic attack takes hold. God, he can’t do this. He can’t do it here with the most powerful men in the world watching and he can’t do this ever because Phil is the only one who could fix it, but Nat is there pulling him into her arms and whispering soothing words in Russian in his ear. Clint can’t breath and Captain Fucking America is staring down at him like he knows how much pain Clint is in and then he feels a sting in his neck as Natasha sedates him. His eyes close and he dreams of Phil.

He dreams of a world where he and Phil live in a quiet little suburb and are happy and there’s “ _no alarms and no surprises_ ” and when he wakes up he hears the strains of Regina singing a cover of “No Surprises.” He can hear Nat moving around  _his and Phil’s_  kitchen in  _his and Phil’s_  apartment making something and he can’t hear Phil and Phil is still dead and he rolls over in  _his and Phil’s_  bed and goes back to sleep.

When he wakes again, the apartment is empty and the date on the calendar says Hawkeye has been in bed for a day and a half. He pulls himself from the bed and pulls on enough clothing to get him to SHEILD’s shooting range and he spends the next 6 hours nocking arrows and releasing. He shoots until he feels himself back in that space, that perfect head space of ‘ _no alarms and no surprises_.”

When he can’t force himself to pull his bow back one more time he gathers his gear and walks past the faces of SHEILD agents trying to talk to him and Fury walking behind him trying to tell him something and he plans to keep walking until he can’t move anymore but Natasha stops him just as Fury is saying something about Hawkeye not having eaten in 3 days and Clint can’t find it in himself to care. He’s got nothing left to fight for and no way to make himself okay. But Natasha is still there holding his arm, and she’s telling Clint to follow her and Fury.

He let’s Nat drag him into Fury’s helicopter on the roof of SHEILD and looks out the window as they move over buildings and he can see the destruction of New York left by Loki, but it’s nothing compared to the wreck Loki made of Clint by killing Phil Coulson. 

He barely pays attention as they land and he’s walked into a building. In fact, he doesn’t notice anything until Natasha is pushing him into an intensive care hospital room and he freezes.

“…Phil?”

“Clint! You’re okay!”

And maybe surprises aren’t so bad after all.


End file.
